Diamond Necklaces that say...BALLA

The other night I checked my voicemail and there was a message from a man named Bill stating that recently I had entered a contest to win a 2007 Lincoln Navigator and that he was looking at MY entry form.

Now I’m no fool. (That statement is not up for debate). But I was raised by a mother who believed anyone and everyone was the next Ted Bundy. Naturally, my first thoughts were this has got to be some kind of scam or this guy wants to feed me to his dogs. If there’s one thing I know in this world it’s never trust a man named Bill. But see, this other part of me, the part that still believes Ground hogs are how we predict the seasons, thought “Dude I just won a Lincoln Navigator!” Maybe some of you have heard but my high school sweetheart “The Dodger” (name accredited to Stephanie Copie) is on life support so if this contest is indeed real it would be a very merry Christmas for me!

So I call Bill. Turns out I’m a finalist. Didn’t realize I was competing but now I’m feeling quite competitive. I will find out at the end of the month if I’m a fool or if I’m a Balla. So folks….stay tuned.



Can’t wait for that to be me smiling with my shiny platinum grill in front of my new getaway car.

My Christmas Wishlist: For A Little Understanding Here

My parental unit was wondering what I was asking Santa for this year. So I concocted a wishlist for them. Like I said before I’m a girl of humble needs. I don’t ask for much in this bankrupt world. Just cloths on my back, food and shelter, maybe a nice platinum grill for my top teeth, some foie gras and an artisan cheese basket, a little sashimi and those nice warm little hand towels. I listed some things off for my mom then the conversation ended like this:

Me: “What I really want is just some comic books. It’s what I spend most of my money on.”

Mom: “Comic Books?”

Me: “Yeah like anything DC, Batman, Frank Miller, Alan Moore”

Mom: “We’re not getting you comic books. That’s….geeky.”

Silence.

In defense of all the four- eyed, acne plagued losers in basements across America, comic books are cool. These kids are not just a bunch of virgins salivating over some half naked sketch called Catwoman. They’re not! (hesitate) And even if they are, they’ll soon be the guys who write or sketch the next great Joker story and in turn get paid lots of money when it gets made into a movie.

In my defense, underneath the violence of comic book stories is a sort of prevailing morality. The superhero world is a world of absolute values. What was good was never doubted and what was evil suffered a fitting punishment. It’s our modern bible. A glimpse of a world of absolute justice, where morality worked the way it was meant to. I’m sorry that I want to live in a world of superheroes, instead of this day in age when the cowards hide in the shadows.

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

Due to my overzealous, and at times self-righteous, idealism, there are a lot of things in this modern day world I openly loathe. I can’t help it. At times I can be irritatingly opinionated about popular culture, mass producing and consumerism, television, etc. And during most of the year I am a total Grinch about a lot of things that a lot of people love. And I feel bad about that.

However, during this time of year I openly contradict myself. I love with all my heart… Christmas. Christmas and everything that goes along with it. Yes I betrayed myself. I’m into all the festivities. Mistle toe, warm apple cider, Christmas trees and Christmas lights, Santa Claus, Christmas music, and all the ploys and gimmicks that the geniuses behind Christmas marketing have concocted. I love Christmas and all the trimmings.

Anticipate this month being full of lots of Christmas Blogging Cheer. And I’d like to announce the release of “A Very Ashley Christmas Mix edition four.” Swing by and pick up your copy.

I'm a Girl of Humble Needs

While you all thought I was in the trunk of Ted Bundy's car, I really was in one of the greatest places in America, Seattle. We explored the whole city, and we ate like Kings, fattening up like prize heffers, thanks to my parental unit. Some notable and unforgettable events:
A lot of thrift store shopping.

We may have tried on every hat in Seattle.

We gave the Post Alley Gum Wall our stale Peppermint Orbit and in return it offered us this piece of advice...

Then went to a place that was barely shy of heaven. Comic book heaven.

We found the troll under the bridge.

Then we went to an 80’s Dancing Freak Show where I was attacked by a strange man in a full body spandex suit, though he was the best dancer in the world!

We sang Karaoke…:)

Seattle is such a quirky cool town. I wish I lived in a quiet loft above the market. Where I could walk down grab a comic book, a chai latte and some fresh fruit. Maybe even get some Salmon for dinner. I’m a girl of humble needs, and I think that’s all I would ever need. In the end, the trip was stinking fun slash funny.

Heart in a Mayonaise Jar

Yes I still exist. As much as one can exist in this imaginary web space. So hold your horses and wait patiently for my next blog that will, honestly, be absolutely average and at best only mildly comical. I'm writing this post with only hopes that people actually even care that I disappeared for a month from blogging, or that there even is a "Postcard from Mars" audience since I can't even see you. I just pretend you laugh at my jokes or care what I'm doing.... But thats messed up if you don't care that i disappeared for a month. I could be in the trunk of some guys Caddillac with rope around my ankles and duct tape over my mouth! I could be cut up into little pieces with my heart in a mayonaise jar! Well anyways i still dig blogging for those of you blogging-non-believers who thought this was just a phase....PEACE in the Middle East (and i mean that) see you next blog whether your into it or not.

To the Voiceless Trees

Last night was a glorious night. I saw Ray Lamontagne. For two years I’ve been dying to see him. He finally made it out to good old Salt Lake City. He played at Alladin’s Palace, the Great Salt Air. He filled that place and successfully silenced it with his wailing and saddening, pleading melodies. He played a song I had never heard and it broke my already heavy and dying heart.



Ray sings the mythologies of my soul. I think I was supposed to be a traveling gypsy or maybe an old hound dog. This was clearly a mistake. I’ve been given the wrong life.

Rumors have been spreading that he went to high school in Morgan for two years. Confirmation?

Boots to the Moon

Joe Castor, from Mathematics Et Cetera, released his first solo album. I've been waiting forever for it. And I love it.

You should check him out here and buy his album (CD or vinyl).

Sigur Ros

Sunday I saw Sigur Ros at the Great Saltair, which I guess is supposed to be something like Alladin’s palace right on the Salt Flats but it's more like an empty warehouse where cocaine was once stored and distributed. Though, when the sun is setting it really is kind of incredible.

Even more incredible... this Icelandic band that played at the magical-drug-warehouse-palace called Sigur Ros. I have had a number of friends, whose musical palates I completely trust, recommend them to me. One friend actually weeped at a Sigur Ros show. I went to the show and was nothing less then amazed and one of my friends I went with actually did cry.

I couldn’t imagine in my most absurd dreams four cooler looking dudes. I covet his jacket.

Yes he is playing his guitar with a bow.
And this fellow is playing his bass with a drum stick.

The drummer is wearing a crazy crown/tiara and that makes me happy.


Check them out right....here

My Zen Sunday

Sometimes I forget that SLC is a cool city. Spent last Sunday up there taking pictures, eating and walking all over the city. I need to spend more time up there and less time Provo, since this town has owned my heart and soul for seven years. Wouldn't even mind moving up there.








more photos

Never Never Land

It was like Christmas Eve for me, as I waited for the man in the brown UPS shorts to deliver my new full body, grip foot, drop-bottom plaid pajamas. Merry Christmas to me! Sometimes I need to reward myself for good behavior. This was my present to myself even though I’m broke and have been eating cardboard for breakfast. Some girls buy themselves designer jeans or diamond ear rings. I buy myself drop-bottom pajamas.


Nothing’s harder then taking full body pictures of yourself…except trying to take pictures of your backside.



I’m stuck in this Never Never Land. Against my parent’s wishes, I’m afraid I’ll never grow up. I’ll wear drop bottom pajamas and green tights the rest of my life

ihatemylife.com

Another (much more ridiculous) blog of mine:
ihatemylife.com

Everything in its Right Place

Like I had previously predicted, Radiohead changed my life. The whole purpose of my wandering across the desert all night was to see Radiohead play at Golden Gate Park. Besides a few audio issues the show was incredible. We got there early and camped out all afternoon so that we could be second row in front of 60,000 people.



One of the highlights of the night,IDIOTEQUE. And Johnny in the background doing his wizard magic tricks.

From the very beginning Thom was in a dancing mood. This is him going crazy to IDIOTEQUE.

Thom was looking so cool in his tight, bright red pants. I'm in the process of purchasing my own red pants.

And Johnny going crazy playing "There There"

That San Francisco fog had rolled in during the show and made the whole concert that much cooler but also made my hair curly, blah.

This City Saved My Dying Soul

We wandered through the desert all night, so when we finally got to the city Friday morning we fit in perfectly with all the stinky, homeless people in this cool park Drew wanted to show me we both later learned was…Golden Gate Park.

Homeless people love me, even when I'm well bathed and don't stink like stale fast food and public bathroom handsoap.

This guy told us he was Betty from the Grateful Dead. He also said he couldn’t be joining us at our concert because he would be busy shoveling coal on the fire.





We spent a lot of time exploring cute vintage clothing shops. I don’t know who Ronnie Milsap is but it was quite the temptation for me to buy this shirt.


Our asi frio boat ride around the bay.

And then we pretended we were models



You can check THESE pics out too

50th Wedding Anniversary

I went to San Diego for my Grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary a couple weeks back, and it made for an entertaining trip. Plus I came home with some pretty great footage.

My grandma dancing...


My Grandpa singing...


and dancing..

I Couldn't Resist...

Today is the celebration of my Father’s birth. Truth be told, I can’t keep track of how old he’s getting. I know my life is nearly over so he’s got to be getting up there. He may look really scary, but this big Hawaiian guy's pretty harmless. He’s also my number one fan and seems to always support everything I do, even if it's absurd. Happy Birthday Dad, here’s a little birthday gift from your daughter.



[This video was taken at my Grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary. Dancers: Grandpa, Grandma and Dad]

This is Really Happening...

August 22nd will be a day to remember. Going to "Outside Lands" enormous music festival in San Francisco. Radiohead, Beck and then all these guys will be playing. Radiohead will be the first night show at Golden Gate Park ever!

I'm excited to see this:

This is a story about how a glass of Coke ruined my life...

These pictures are deceiving. It doesn’t look like a night in which my life fell apart. It actually looks like were having fun. And we were. Got work off, went to the Roots concert with a bunch of friends. It was so crowded and so funny! Then went to the Pie Pizzeria afterwards with everyone. Started off as the “Funnest Night Ever!!!”



But as this picture was being taken, in all the ruckus, my glass of coke got spilled all over my lap and then into my purse. And consequently, on my phone.



For the next week I was dead to the world. You only exist in this cruel, cold modern day world if you have a cell phone. And I did not so I was a phantom ghost, who didn’t mean anything to anyone.



Verizon, who is a terrible company run by terrible people, tricked me into buying a new phone and then they shipped my phone to Seattle. So I ceased to exist for another four days. Saturday night was an all time low for me as I walked around the lonely streets of Provo at 1:30 AM by myself in a thunderstorm trying to get service.



And that is the story of how a glass of coke ruined my life.

Why So Serious??

All week I’ve been dreaming of costumed super heroes and Heath Ledger. This morning at 9 AM I finally got to watch The Dark Knight at the IMAX. It changed my life. Only one regret, that I didn’t get my friend Stephanie’s 8 yr. old boy Batman costume to wear.



Reasons why this movie was incredible:

1. Heath Ledger. Top Five Favorite performances ever.
2. Favorite line “Either you die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.” (The foreshadowing of Harvey Dent.)
3. The relationship between The Joker and Batman. One couldn’t exist without the other. They are social outcasts. Neither could ever live normal lives and that is the great sacrifice Batman makes.
4. The preview for “Watchmen.” The greatest graphic novel ever written. It’s the only graphic novel in “Time Magazine Top 100 Novels.” Can’t wait for this movie!

Watchmen Trailer http://teaser-trailer.com
by teaser-trailer

Am I the geekiest person you know?

It's a Small Crime...And I've Got No Excuse

No, I realize its a crime posting so many Youtube videos of myself (and then linking my Youtube page in the same sentence). And I really don't have an excuse...uh but here's another one? My friend Drew suggested we cover this:



Not only is Drew incredibly talented but he's stinking funny. Check out his new bloggy blog.

The Life & Times of Harvey Ralph

Mr. Shiny Shoes

I like golf, because I’m an old man. But I don’t really fit into the golfing crowd. I realized this at the driving range recently. I stroll in wearing flip flops and my “Obama for your Mama” T-shirt. I’m dragging my battered golf bag from 1981 past these white, rich Utah Valley republicans strutting around in their collared Tees and shiny shoes, drinking vitamin water. They get a look at my Tee and one guy goes “heh Obama” accompanied by a grumpy old man snort. I arrive at my little golf turf cubical and start swinging away. I have my ear phones in and I’m rocking out to electronic scream-face music, occasionally singing out loud. Since it was the season’s first attempt at golfing, things were surely going to get ugly. But I don’t have much patience for sucking. So I have a rage black out. I kept whacking my clubs into the ground, possibly grumbling profanities. I can’t remember though I blacked out. It would’ve been a funny site if I could’ve been watching from a bush. I just don’t fit the golfers mold.

But what my point of all this hibbity-jibbity hee-haw is, is that I bought a new golf bag today and its pretty slick. That’s really all I wanted to say. I can’t wait for Mr. Shiny Shoes to see me roll by with my new bag.

The Good Times Are Killing Me - M.M.

A pre-fourth celebration. Turned out to be all-time. Lots of funny stories, including one in which I was trying to find something in one of the tents and heard a threatening growl. I took off running like a frantic woman. Screaming “Bear! Bear!” running for my life! I've never run faster. I ran for about 100 yards. Everybody jumped up. “Bear! There’s a Bear! I heard it growl!” Then Brett was like, “It was my dog.” And then I felt stupid.

Ghosts of Overdoses…Not Dust…Blog Entries (and you can die from that too)

Whoa talk about an anxiety attack. No internet for over two weeks. And my cell phone died one day too. I can barely remember the days before cell phones. I can barely remember the days before blogs. I really wish I could though. I should re-prioritize my life, live the hippy dream like I’ve always wanted. Move to India with just a guitar, camera, and a…rug? (Hey Drew). But for now I’m going to overdose the virtual world with blog entrys, Morrison style. And I apologize, but I have a lot of worthless things to litter the world wide web with. Like this…

Sick Day and Modest Mouse

I was on my death bed yesterday. And today I felt like moping around. This is what I accomplished. As you can tell brushing my hair wasn't one of the days accomplishments. SORRY!



This song is cool cuz:
1. This band is from Seattle
2. It says "eunichs"
3. Favorite line: "Henry you dance like a wooden Indian" like my friend Steph

AND...
Yeah I'm wearing a Transformers shirt

Dungeons and Dragons

I was rummaging through my computer and I came across this old photoshop file. I have moments when I think I’m kinda cool, this was NOT one of those moments. Why did I try and turn myself into an Elf?! I am a step away from Dungeons and Dragons, dangerously close. Confession: One of my greatest temptations (and guiltiest) is a strange and undeniable urge to buy those dragon or fairy statues. HOT or NOT?? Definitely NOT!

This should bring all the boys to the yard!

Deion and All His Wisdom

I went home to Seattle for my Mom’s birthday. My Mom seems to act more youthful with age. While I was home she showed me her new fav trashy reality show. Deion and Pilar. As in Prime Time Deion Sanders. I don't watch much TV, can't believe I've been missing such quality programming. It's pretty stinking funny. The silliest thing about it is that Deion drives around his house in one of those powered wheel chairs for seniors. I think that’s pretty great. He’s inspired my investing in a powered wheel chair/scooter for seniors.