A Postmodern Conversational Murder Mystery

Its very possible that my small (but awesome) Postcard From Mars audience might be "Murder mystery-ied out." Unfortunatley, I am not quite yet. So for the next couple days I'm gonna highlight all the different characters because everybody looked so cool and funny.

Jan Yon Le Pardeau- Writer
Jan comes from an extremely conservative and religious family from the tiny village of
Vichy, France. His parents never allowed him to read anything but the Bible. Dancing, singing and artistic expression of any sort were instruments of Lucifer. Jan ran away from home with a group of traveling gypsies that shared their free-spirited way of life. While traveling he collected many books. This was the beginning of his love affair with literature. With the gypsies he wrote his first novel, “Chasing the Green Fairy: My Time with the Pixies.” And since then he has written many best sellers in France and in the States. Ms. Lily Patricia Noble Sunshine Awesome was so inspired by “Chasing the Green Fairy” that she disappeared for an entire year. When she returned she requested that Jan and her meet and have been friends ever since.

Behavior:
He is crazy, narcotic, and eccentric. He flashes from one mood to the next. He is recovering from substance abuse. He is the pinnacle liberal and randomly goes off on crazy rants about organized religion, especially Islam and other progressive social issues. He occasionally has rage black outs in which he storms off or sits quietly by himself and pouts. But when in a good mood he makes origami cranes for people that actually don’t look anything like cranes.



Ernst Havviener- Aspiring Inventor
Ernst is attending the party as a guest of Mr. Callaway Biggles, a traveling collector of all things bizarre and random. Mr. Biggles is Ernst’s greatest supporter and patron. Ernst will be meeting Ms. Lily Patricia Noble Sunshine Awesome for the first time at the Christmas party. Ernst grew up in Switzerland in the Black Forest. His father was an alchemist who constantly encouraged him to create great inventions. He has since aspired to become the greatest inventor in the “Wuniverse.” He has an inflated idea of his own genius. Above all things Ernst hates Thomas Edison. He is constantly commenting on his resentment towards Edison and his light bulbs. He believes that “there is no happiness where Thomas Edison brings his light bulbs, only darkness!” He wants to create something that he will be remembered for forever but instead he invents things like horse shoes for humans, toilet paper rolls, the marker that makes things invisible, the motorized ice cream cone, and the smokers hat. He also claims that he has created the first cross between a female tiger and a male lion, he has called it the Liger, the new King of the Jungle.

Behavior:
He has a strong and obnoxious Swiss accent. His favorite word is “Wuniverse” He always goes off on crazy rants in German. He is constantly trying to promote his inventions, especially the horse shoe for people which he constantly is forcing people to try on.

Best Christmas Ever?

Christmas Masquerades and Holiday Murders just might have been the coolest thing I’ve ever created and executed. Everybody went completely over the top on their costumes and characters. It was way better than I imagined. Matt and I have the coolest friends.

I was Lily Patricia Noble Sunshine Awesome. I have an eye patch. I was murdered


My whole apartment was lit by candles, we blew up about fifty balloons and old Jazz music was playing. The most exciting part of the night was watching people walk in and seeing the characters we wrote come to life in the most ridiculous way.

Lori was out of control. She was supposed to be really intoxicated and belligerent. She also drew really terrible portraits of everybody. This one was of Jennie.



In the middle of the room Russell, the Islamic extremist Militant Terrorist, prayed to Allah.



Scott won the ski pass for best performance. He was the eccentric and moody French writer. He ran away with the gypsies at a young age and wrote his first book “Chasing the Green Faery: My Time with the Pixies.” He made origami cranes for everyone that looked nothing like cranes.




Kristine was the child prodigy and socially awkward photographer who took all sorts of ridiculous pictures of people. One time she spent ten minutes posing everybody for a group photo then when she had us all perfect she took a picture in the other direction then casually walked off. This was one of her awkward pictures.



Bryce, Ernst the worst inventor in the world, won best costume. He was the murderer and he made everybody try on his horse shoe for humans.



One of the silliest nights.

Check out all the pictures

Christmas Masquerades and Holiday Murders

I’m feeling like this Christmas is going to be all-time. I had my tree up, decorated, all my shopping done and “Ash’s Christmas Mix 2007” playing by December 1st. Every day I wake up, hit play on my Christmas play list, turn Christmas lights on, make a cup of peppermint hot cocoa and open the window to check for snow, a routine I have been carefully crafting for some time.

Having been feeling so overly festive I decided to throw a Christmas party unlike all other Christmas parties. My friend Matt and I have been working on it for a while now. We’re calling it a postmodern conversational murder mystery, which means it’s gonna be awesome. We have spent many late nights creating characters, intricate and tangled webs of plot and connections, scandals, love affairs and twists. It’s pretty elaborate and really funny. We have impressed ourselves with its brilliance!

So far the first set of invitations have gone out. Throughout the week more clues and letters will be sent with more information in regards to their character and background for the party.

I can’t reveal too much except that I am Lily Patricia Noble Sunshine Awesome…. Because it’s my imagined universe and I could have any name I wanted!

Been on a Good Movie Streak!!

Love good films. Not too fond of mediocre films and I get firey hot with anger at bad ones. Love talking about films and since I have a semi-captive audience this will be my occasional podium for discussing my favorites.

This never happens but 10 out of the last 12 movies I’ve seen have been incredible. Here's one of them...



6 Reasons I Loved it:

1. An Unbeatable Duo: There are two, and only two, great things that have come from the state of Missouri: Jesse James and Brad Pitt (don’t anybody try and suggest Wal Mart as the third). Both are in the film.

2. Cinematography: Every shot was a masterpiece of composition, color and originality.

3. My Nomination for Best Supporting Role: One of the best performances I have seen by Casey Affleck, yeah that’s right the Mormon twin in Oceans 11, but true story he was awesome in this film.

4. Jesse James Obsession: Since I saw the old black and white film “Jesse James,” J. James has become one of my favorite American historical figures. It’s strange I realize. Most people think it’s odd in the same way they think it’s odd I find Malcolm X an American Hero. I’m not alone in my infatuation with this thief/ murderer. He stole from banks and trains and was thought to have murderer 15 people but still America loves Jesses James. He’s become apart of American folklore. And Henry Ford has become a great American Coward.

5. Everybody loves Robin Hood: Though Jesse was pretty shady he became a Robin Hood figure. I love Robin Hood and I love vigilantes, especially the wild and crazy western cowboy.

6. Hero’s: Jesse James seems to resurface over and over again in films and books. I think the Jesse James character is what America is missing. We need an American hero. America was once a country of giants now it seems to be made up of cowards.

It was incredible. I wouldn’t recommend it to everybody. It’s dark and violent. And there are no clear heroes and villains. Maybe some people wouldn’t like it, but I loved it.

Viva Las Vegas

Sometimes I do things that afterwards I realize fall under the category of ridiculous.

I can now scratch off my checklist of Things I must do before I die:

-Sleep in my car
-Drive to Vegas at 1:30 at night
-Sleep at a truck stop

That’s right I’m living on the edge but mostly rationality abandoned Jennie and I Saturday night as we made plans to go to Vegas after the Band of Annuals show up in SLC. Jennie was like “I’m not even tired” (Though it was only nine PM). And I put forth my usually philosophy that you only live once. However, little convincing was necessary because we had already made up our minds…Viva Las Vegas. Well about the time I got to Fillmore my eyes started to burn and the road began a game of trickery where it danced in various directions and created all sorts of illusions. And I knew right then and there that I could never be a truck driver.

We ended up at the Sands otel (occasionally Motel as the M flickered back into position).


We were greeted by a belligerent couple who had just gotten into a bar fight. One fella about my age was missing his socks and shoes and his toe was a bloody mess. They shared their whole life story with us then offered the other bed for us to sleep in. We kindly refused. And decided that we would sleep a couple hours in the car. We pulled in front of Lori’s old condo and we drifted off to sleep. 15 minutes later I woke up to find my limbs were numb and my breath was visible. We tried to sleep but gave up on the idea entirely. Who knew St. George was so miserably cold at night?! We were back on the road again…



But again the road started to dance in front of my car and I struggled to stay on the path of its two-step. And that is how we ended up at the truck stop outside of Vegas. A quick nap turned into hours and hours of sleep, maybe some of the best sleep of my life.

Well we finally made it to Vegas. And we played and shopped and ate. And it turned into a great day and an even better story.

However I’m still curious, whatever happened to that poor boys socks and shoes?!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Though my heart and arteries may think otherwise, I’m grateful for this land of corpulence. Though, in obesity, Americans may be pouring out of their designer clothing, I'm grateful we’re not hungry in America. My cupboards are always stocked, my belly is always full and my tastebuds are always happy. I’m grateful for milk and honey and when feeling sinful a chocolate truffle cake.

For technology. That mechanical doors really do open like we trust they will and for cruise control so my foot can rest till it has arrived at its desired destination.

For virtual connections. So I can keep tabs on all the people in my life, whether they know it or not.

For simple pleasures. Coca-Cola. Lunch dates. Good movies. Reuniting with old friends. An album I can play from start to finish a thousand times. And chocolate, not the waxy kind but the velvety kind that coats my mouth and makes me happy.

I’ve said this before, I’m thankful for good friends who like to act silly and live silly.

I’m grateful for a Mom and Dad, who still both equally harass and nag me [hi Mom and Dad] and still pay my cell my phone bill. I’m grateful for a family that I can be proud of, and am.

Happy Thanksgiving!

"Ash's Hip Hop 101" Series

I feel like Hip Hop speaks to my soul in deep and powerful ways that are very applicable to my white, middle class life. So I’m starting a new series. Hip Hop Dance Moves 101. Thank your lucky stars. No longer will you stand alone stiffly and awkwardly on the dance floor. Soon you will be able to shake it with the best of them.

Todays Dance Move:

Hyphy (HI-fee) originated in Oakland. Term coined by the rapper Keak Da Sneak. "Hyphy" is to Oakland as "Crunk" is to the Dirty South. An individual is considered to have “gotten hyphy” when they act or dance in an overstated, fast paced, manner of ridiculousness. Also called “getting stupid” or “going dumb.”

Shall we?...Get hyphy




The Father of Hyphy...put your stunner shades on.



You know you're a pro when you've blacked out from convulsing on the floor.

Stick around for the next Dance Move of the week.

Bred for Their Skillz in Magic

Change Your Life Fact of the Week:
My friend Greg pretty much knows everything there is to know about animals, especially bears. He’s a bear enthusiast. He TeVo’s all animal shows on the Discovery Channel so if Greg says something about animals, its fact.

Greg Fact #1 If you’re attacked by a shark just rub it on its nose. Sharks like that and they won’t bite you.
Greg Fact #2 Bears are pretty much the smartest animal in the world. When they have headaches they chew on bark.
Greg Fact #3: If you’re attacked by an alligator just hold their jaws shut with your hands. They have really weak jaw opening muscles
Greg Fact #4 Bears are Bad-A. And they have the best round house karate kick.

But the most recent and life changing Greg fact was this. Ligers, they are not just mythical and magical movie creations. Ligers are REAL!!! I didn’t believe it either. So I looked it up. A Liger is a hybrid cross between a male lion and a female tiger, bred for their skills in magic.



And they are the largest cats in the world. They’re crazy huge!! Scientists don’t know genetically what the heck happened that made them so big, but they are just enormous.



Liger - The funniest movie is here. Find it


Ligers are the new King of the Jungle. My hypothesis:

Liger verses Hippo = Liger
Liger verses Crocodile = Liger
Liger verses Great White = Liger

The only bad thing about Ligers is they aren’t in very good shape. They can only run like 100 yards and then they are tired. So if you’re attacked by a Liger and you can run more than 100 yards you’re in the clear.

Hot or Not??

I bought these bad-A Yaht shoes this weekend.



We live in an era where pretty much anything goes. The skill no longer is in knowing what’s “in style” but knowing “your style.” You can get away with murder. But today the verdict is: Yaht shoes…In!! (Says me and these guys)

Lip Gloss..Keeping Hip Hop Alive

I’m mostly speechless. All I can say is this song is poppin.



They say hip hop is dead, “not so long as it keeps our lips moist and glistening. May hip hop live forever with strawberry sparkles”- Matt Pettit

The Great Adventure

I’ve been strange-feeling since I saw “Into the Wild.” Have to fight the constant urge to be someplace else. So I finally decided to be someplace else. I grabbed my friend Matt, who is a fan of unplanned and spontaneous adventures, and we headed South, the direction of warmth.

Steinbeck has said that maps can be tyrants. We can be so immersed in road maps that we never actually see the country in which we travel. Matt and I became anarchists, for the most part, against maps and itineraries, however being lost became the side effect of abandoning road map tyranny.

Our journey began in Price, Utah at the Cowboy Kitchen, which translates to "a smoky chamber with no windows." We were greeted by an enthusiastic waitress who suffered through her early morning shift with our requests for ridiculous pictures and our obnoxious comedy. She laughed at our silliness which made it easy to forgive her for the dirty glasses, the fermented Orange Juice and the curious smell that lingered in the dining chamber with no windows.

Our trip was filled with many adventures that my memory will now exaggerate. Along the path to Devils Garden we lost our way. We created our own path through a steep canyon that dropped down into the layer of some large desert creature, my imagination will now call Mountain Lion, whose footprints were left fresh in the sand for our discovery. This quickened our pace, and heightened our sense of hearing. It sharpened our eye sight to which every rock became a growling predator.

Once we found the trail again, we almost stepped on a rattle snake if it weren’t for my paranoid sense of hearing. Lisa and Elmer, a strange couple we met on the trail, found our rattlesnake discovery very interesting and we found their fake English accents interesting as well.

I almost fell off a cliff on multiple occasions. Sister Sanchez, a friendly Filipino lady, comforted me atop the cliff edge of Delicate Arch, which was neither delicate in appearance, in reaching nor on my nerves, (and its much more incredible in person than our Utah license plates portray). Sister Sanchez comforted and distracted me while Matt danced around the slippery sandstone cliffs. I was left frozen between two rocks unable to move, convinced the rock I was wedged against was shifting and moving, and my feet could not find themselves secured to the Earth.

I was almost run off the road by a semi truck and then we were almost flooded out of the enclosed hot tub chamber by the Archway Inn staff.

It was decided that Arches National Park and all its attractions should be renamed, and Matt and myself were nominated to inherit this responsibility. We already have begun. Such names were conceived “Dark Angel and her Eternal watching Fan/ Priest” “Franky Four Fingers” “The All-Seeing Eye” “Melting Woman” “Black Eagle” “The Cobra” “the Adoring Monk” “Vomit Stripes Arch” “Skin Flesh Arch” “Dancing Fire Toes Arch” We thought our names were much more interesting than “balanced rock” or “Panorama Point.”

We also created a silly game/ competition in which we set the camera on a ledge and set the timer. Before the picture snapped we had to race to and pose ourselves at our impossible destination. Our pictures proved just how ridiculous this game was.

Our trip turned out to be exactly what I needed, and before we even got back to Provo I found myself planning the next great adventure.

Pictures from our Great Adventure

Halloween 2007!!

What a little night we had. Question: What is it about dressing up ridiculous that makes us act ridiculous? Well whatever the cause, I’m grateful for it. Oh boy did I look ridiculous.

Chelsea and I had to make a frantic last minute dash for our costumes. I was thinking I was going to have to sell my body and soul to find Chelsea a cane. Thank goodness for Earl at Savers, who stashed one away for me in the back. He said I could have it for a six-pack of beer. Very kind gentleman with an unforgettable cackle. Thanks Earl.

Suspenders, check. Mouth-guard, check. Dress gloves, check. Old school Air Nikes, check. After a long day of searching Utah Valley for miscellaneous items, our costumes started to come together in a harmonious concoction of thrift store excellence.

I pulled my socks up high, laced up my new kicks, pulled my protective eye wear over my eyes and looked up into the mirror. Perfection.

And so the night began with a little dancing at Nat’s fiesta. (I dance much better when I look as good as I did last night). Then off to the Hollywood House to watch Devin play. All the scantily clad girls were pretty jealous, and can you blame them? We made friends with a locksmith in a Pink Floyd shirt who assisted Lori in re-entering her Subi (Suburu). We were grateful to him, especially myself because jersey material is not very insulating.

And back to my place for a bit more silliness. I’m grateful for friends who don’t take themselves too seriously, who like to look silly and live silly. Halloween 2007 was the greatest.

Silly Pictures

More pictures will be posted shortly.

Candidate Confusion

Whether we are into politics or not, we have all heard the endless banter about elections. Maybe we already have in our minds exactly who we are going to vote for. But here is a really helpful website to find out which candidate best supports the issues you support. It’s a great way to learn the issues and to learn the candidates better. Scouts honor, it’s totally unbiased. Make sure you're voting for the right person! We’re all intelligent people so promote smart voting.

(Sorry if that sounded like a sales pitch) But honestly the website is really cool. You answer how you feel on a list of issues and how strongly you feel on that issue. If you don’t know the issue you can click on a link that gives you a brief synopsis. It will total a percentage of which candidates best match your survey and who is at the bottom. Really cool. Maybe? Just a little??


Candidate Calculator
http://www.vajoe.com/candidate_calculator.html

Like a Rolling Stone

When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose..


I think I loved this movie so much because I imagine jumping in my car and leaving everything behind terribly enticing. Mark Twain says its “lights out for the territory.” Steinbeck calls it the “itch” we all feel or should feel to escape the monotony and cruelty of our complicatedly simple lives. Dylan a rolling stone. I’ve already been tempted before by both Steinbeck and Dylan to travel North America with my RV, my camera and my guitar.

This movie identifies both the urge we all have and the problem we all share, even if its only occasionally, in our culture and the urge to step out of it to a different reality. It’s not jumping in a van and living like a hippy but identifying your significance or lack of in nature. On his journey he shares his friendship and philosophy with several on the road, learns about their lives and helps with their problems.

Into the Wild: A couple of life lessons:
We must all set out on our journey to discover our small place in the big world
We need the help and friendship of those around us and vise versa

Just a Fat Kid at Heart...

I think I’m the fat kid at work. Anything the Chef throws in front of me I consume. I leave work with an armful of food. Pretty positive I disgust and shock my employees with the plates of truffle cake and the platters of treats I devour. Today I walked out of the freezer with a 3 gallon carton of Dreyers chocolate ice cream that they said I could take home. After everyone was done laughing and pointing at the fat kid, they asked if I really was going to eat the whole thing. I said I could. So a couple of guys at work said they’d pool their money if I ate the whole thing by Friday before work. Two days. Three gallons. Can I do it?!

Closing Thoughts: I feel like my young body is keeping from being all things I truly want to be… just a fat old man.

Across the Universe

Its hard to find great movies, most movies I've seen lately are forgettable. However, there is one coming out next week that I have been looking forward to for a while. I think I watched the trailer a hundred times. It's a movie musical that tells the story all through Beatles songs. Can't wait!

Stephanie surprised me with this project she has been working on for a while. So easily amused am I. I think its pretty stinking great.

23 going on 64

Ten Reason’s I’m Turning into an Old Man:
1. I play golf with old men (that includes you Brent). My least favorite part of going to the driving range and the golf course is bending over to place the ball on my tee.
2. I have replaced basketball with racketball, the sport of 50 year old men. I have to fight the urge to not wear the safety protective goggles.
3. I own a fly fishing rod and book called “How to Fly Fish”
4. My knees and hips hurt at the end of the day and I have tendonitis in my elbow
5. I go to the farmers market early every Saturday morning and it’s the highlight of my week.
6. I get grumpier and grumpier everyday. I have fits I classify as level five freak outs.
7. I want to buy an R.V.
8. I go to Heber Cities Swiss days with my grandparents and look at crafts.
9. I grow my own herb garden
10. I take a daily vitamin.

Lori's Wedding

Really was one of the funnest days(besides my level five temper tantrum). For some reason Lori's wedding was really emotional for all of us. Probably because all of us had felt some responsibility to take care of Lori for the past four years. For four years we have had to make sure Lori blew out her candles and didn't burn the house down, made sure she didn't give her number to some scary fifty year old pedophile, we had to explain the birds and the bees. Her wedding was kinda realization for all of us that she doesn’t need us to take care of here anymore, maybe she hasn’t for a while now. She really is so grown up and mature maybe more than the rest of us and we were all so happy for her. It was one of the funnest and funniest weddings. So glad Lori and Devin are my friends.

Check out Lori's wedding pictures at www.flickr.com/photos/akaicab/ or click on the the link on the sidebar.

a bit of silliness

In the spirit of my brothers mission to Japan...



Less than four weeks and he'll be in Tokyo.

Lori's Bachlorette Party

Threw a wild and crazy bachlorette party for one of my best friends Lori…I guess it was as wild and crazy as a group of girls with out liquor can be. Mostly it was just silly and immature with lots of questions and confusion. Silly and immature is my favorite combination.

It seems like every time the girls get together, I wonder afterwards if that was the last time we'd hang out like that, if things will change and we’ll all go separate ways and get distant. Then we get together and its like nothings changed. After nights like this I feel blessed to have friends in my life like these.

Click on the link to check out pictures [some pictures were filtered]

Loris Bridal Shower

Merry Quarter Life Crisis

Steph and I are fleeing the country in celebration of our quarter-life crisis. We are in the early stages of planning. Right now it’s pretty much just an idea that needs some developing. I kind of have my heart set on Thailand, but it’s still up in the air. I’m posting so that people can watch as it develops but mostly so that anyone who wants to contribute to our planning can and anyone that wants to come is invited. Merry Quarter-Life Crisis!

a bit of silliness

My dad and aunt both sent me this the other day. I laughed my fool head off by the end of the clip. Mostly its funny because the announcers can't stop laughing. The harder they laugh the harder i laugh. My roommate Steph watches this clip once a day for kicks. Enjoy!

the beginning of the end

People are strange. We don’t pick up the phone anymore to call. We text. We don’t meet in the break room. We email. We don’t knock on peoples doors. We myspace. We’re all connected. Just a click away, or a myspace friend apart. We’re probably in each others extended network.

I’m a product of these crazy times, so I’m much better socially in a virtual context. In other contexts I’m mostly awkward. This is my attempt at staying connected to friends and family. I’m staking claim to this small chunk of cyber space to post mostly things of little relevance to really anything. I am excited for this bit of silliness. I hope your sleepless late night blog binges will bring you to my modest slice of virtual space. Enjoy?....at least indulge me a little.